Tuesday, September 29, 2020
Irish Mammies Set to Enforce New Draconian Global Lockdown Measures
From our Health and Science Correspondent, Chip Van Brawling.
2020-09-29 Taoiseach Micheal "BibdaBidaBibda" Martin is set to announce radical new legislation to allow Irish Mammies to rigorously enforce draconian lockdown measures, following it's introduction in secret Dail sessions, later this evening.
The new measures, described by one insider as "holy terror" are designed to flatten the Covid curve, in a last ditch attempt to stop infection rates rising, before the last hospital bed in this benighted Republic finally gives way under the combined weight of the 3,522 ICU patients and their respiratory equipment currently residing in it. The Acting Chief Medical Officer Ronan Glynn, has been warning, since 247 patients ago, that the bed was "imminently, incipiently, just about to, yes, any second now, fall apart, wait for it, now...just when they add that next IV drip, there...no, yes! Wait, one more...".
Asked to comment further, the senior civil servant in the Department of Health indicated that, under the new powers, Irish Mammies could be summarily deputised to engage in "enhanced interrogation techniques" of any individuals they had reasonable suspicion of "actin' the maggot out on the streets and/or brinin' shame, or similar unwanted or unwarranted notoriety of any kind on their, or other mammies, houses or households".
Social "meedgeya" evidence of "makin' a holy show of yourself" could lead to immediate clips about the ear, scuttin' the hind legs off of an individual, or in extremely egregious cases, a "swift root up the hole for themselves" of any offenders. Asked if such measures were unconstitutional the Windows 7 Civil Servant replied, cryptically "Go ask Donald Trump, Poindexter".
In some cases fines of "you can do your own feckin washin' from now on", all the way up to "no more of that hanky panky under my roof" could also be imposed, although it's not clear what methods of payment could be utilised for these, since Irish Mammies certainly are in no position to take them via "the Pay Pal", "the rev-lute", or other card based systems.
While some opposition TDs have expressed concern at the new measures, describing them as "draconian", others have merely quibbled, saying they were actually more "procrustean" than draconian. So: "nyeh".
Chant of the Barbie Dolls attempted to contact a spokesperson for Irish Mammies, but was told they were "up to their eyes, runnin' around after this country all feckin' day, and no help from anyone....get out of my feckin' kitchen before I stab yeh in the eyes with a whisk, yek feckin eejit - I'll 'comment' yeh....".
