The Chant of the Barbie Dolls

I'm not one of those men who, to paraphrase Jane Austen, seeks to
recommend himself to members of the opposite sex by denigrating his own,
but let's face it: men, on the whole, are vulgar, unhygienic pigs. Take
for example basic toilet training. From my personal, lifelong experience
in the (proper) usage of men's conveniences, I've found that the
incidence of rigorous hand washing is sadly low. And I'm not just
talking about those of us in for quick shake of the lamb's tail either -
I mean when there's heavy duty action as well. It's horrifyingly common to
see men emerge from cubicles and exiting, strutting proudly without so
much as a nod towards the sink. I'm not even going to discuss the diets
of most men, which, on the basis of the acoustic fireworks detonating
from cubicle stalls, resembling not so much a natural activity but more
of a sustained mortar shell attack on a gas canister factory, seem to
comprise one fourth gun powder, one fourth semtex and one half vindaloo.

Anyhow, another vulgar habit many men have is spread-eagling themselves
when they sit down on the tube as if they're about to give birth to a
fully grown rhinoceros. I was the victim of this the other day on a
Victoria line tube. A flabby, clammy calf and thigh were thrust wide and
summarily pressed against my own, quite parallel knees. Now, even those
of us sporting the most tightly packed of lunch boxes don't need our
knees at such an obtuse angle. Rather than giving ground to this
encroachment, I decided it was time to take a stand and beat back the
aggressor. I gently but firmly applied pressure back. Slowly but surely
in a silent war of pressed thigh, I beat back the invader to his own
territory. Interestingly, the tremendous amount of jiggling that the
Victoria line does between Kings Cross and Highbury and Islington helped
quite a bit in regaining my lebensraum. It was only afterwards that it
occurred to me that pressing my thigh up against a strange man on the
tube could potentially be misconstrued. So blokes, if you find yourself
on a tube and you think someone is pressing up against your sweaty
calves and thigh, don't take it as an advance (or a threat) - just
readjust the angle of your knees please. And please don't offer to shake
hands.