The Chant of the Barbie Dolls

http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2013/0122/breaking16.html?via=rel‏

Publican patricians voting to call for their patrons to have special licence to drink-drive.

Knowing Ireland/Kerry, shortly, you'll be able to buy drink-drive dispensation licenses/stamps from the council. 50 EUR - stocious; 25 EUR - twisted; 10 EUR - had a few; 5 EUR - may as well have stayed at home. 

 The stamps will then go on to be forged on a massive scale by racketeering dissident republicans. As an anti-forgery measure every household in the country will require a metering system to keep track of the stamps, for which we'll have to be taxed to fund, although the company the government appoints to install them, set up by a pal of the Treasurer to Fine Gael, will do quite well out of it. Just to be on the safe side a new tax, the "Universal Stocious Charge" will be added to all health insurance to cover the impact of all the new additional accidents on the roads. 

 Quite soon after that it will be revealed that the licenses are being manufactured in state run catholic institutional workhouses in which there is systemic and horrific child abuse; then we'll find out the stamps also contain toxic CJD horse brains that gives you cancer if you touch them, or turn you into a Fianna Fail voting zombie if you lick the back of them. The bottom will then precipitously fall out of the drink/drive license-stamp market. Disposing of the toxic stamps will create a national wave of NIMBYism, as we look for places to bury the stamps in landfill. Luckily Kerry county councillors hit on the idea of burying them next to traveller's halting sites, where the half life of 1 million years for the breakdown of the toxicity they reckon a) wont be noticed and b) isn't a problem anyhow as traveller's don't vote. 

 The charge for getting rid of the toxic stamps into landfill will be so massive that most people wont be able to afford it, so everyone will just wander around at night fly tipping them where ever they can, thus despoiling the environment so much that the tourist industry collapses.

Ultimately we'll all be left sitting on a pile of worthless, carcinogenic, horse brain-meat "drink drive dispensation" stamps, that basically give you license to kill yourself (maybe that's the REAL reason for them) produced by child slave labour in catholic gulag torture camps, being over taxed for the privilege, with even the tourist industry in ruins, and a population of walking dead zombie Fianna Fail voters. 

 And they think they have problems now with no one coming to their pubs - wait till all their best customers are dead. 

 "What need you being come to sense/but fumble in a greasy till...." etc etc.

# posted by Flann O'Brien @ 2:54 AM