The Chant of the Barbie Dolls

In a shock revelation today, The Onion, the United State's finest daily rag, has revealed that "Area Man", featured in many of it's articles over the years, is in fact, a bona-fide super hero, with special powers.

Dale Neunerowski, 43, first discovered his powers after being bitten by a radioactive Area, but kept them hidden for fear of being attacked by a pitch-fork wielding mob of closed minded oafs, ostracised by a cynical and uncaring public, or having a super villain exploit his family and loved ones as potential weaknesses.

"At first, it just felt like my natural ability to judge areas by eye was better than normal, but I slowly realised that with a lot of work, my entire mensuration related perception faculty was becoming exponentially enhanced. I could estimate the length, area, volume and mass of random, irregularly shaped features and objects with extraordinary precision, from even the most fleeting of glances!".

However, tragedy struck soon after he gained his powers, when, reeling in confusion from the strength of his new super-ability, Mr Neunerowski accidentally overfed his goldfish, which then died as a result. "All my super abilities", he says, with a catch in his voice, "couldn't save Goldie from a school boy mensuration error".

Asked if he uses his powers for good or evil, having revealed himself to the world, Mr Neunerowski replied that, despite the temptations to use his extraordinary gift for personal advancement, he has decided to commit himself to a life of dedicated service to his local area community, in particular in the area of animal welfare, and interior decor. "Wherever an inaccurate or shoddy measurement is taking place, I'll be there to correct it; wherever a builder, supplier or shop-keep is passing off incorrect measurements to cut corners or make illicit profit, I'll be there; wherever a person is mildly musing about how wide an alcove is, and whether or not a Byzantine tryptytch will fit in it, I'll be there to help".

COTB was intrigued to know if Mr Neuner wore a special costume while engaged in Area Man related activities - we were told, amid some laughter, that this was something of a tired cliché that super heroes are always battling against. "Sure, if you're Spiderman and you need your web gizmos, wear some apparatus if that helps, but in my line of Super heroing, it's just not necessary."

When we contacted The Bureau of Weights and Measures for a comment, a spokesman said "The Bureau of weights and measures takes it's role as enforcer of standards very seriously. If citizens are aware of any deviations from standard, please contact the police or your local office of the BoWaM. It is extremely inadvisable for individual citizens to take these matters into their own hands, and it can be highly dangerous, resulting in damage to property and/or loss of life, not to mention incurring penalties up to and including the death penalty, and a purple-nurple. The only approved weights and measures officials are federal officers, and no one should be listening to, or acting on the advice of private citizen nut-bags running around in capes".

Area Man Fact File:

Super power: hyper-munsurationability
Arch enemy: near luminal velocities, where length measurements become tricky.
Weakness: singularities, where normal laws of space, time and distance break down.
Favourite Film Moment: Stonehenge scene from 'This is Spinal Tap'
Pet hate: The use of the 'acre foot' as a unit of volume.
Favourite unit of measure: the amp (= that constant current, which, if maintained in 2 infinitely long conductors of negligible cross sectional area held 1m apart in a vacuum, would exert a force of 1x10^-7 Newtons per unit length of conductor).